Acrylic on canvas
37" x 60"
I feel like I must’ve painted over this thing six times. It was a building, it was a sealine, it was under the surface of things. I just kept painting over it, but it would always end up the same. It was frustrating as hell, but it was a story I had to tell about sadness.
Depression has grabbed me by the throat. I am lost. I am trapped, caught on my own emotional roller coaster. I’m filled with dread. I can’t stop crying. Everything sets it off. I think of the unkindness of the world, and then someone look at me and I cry again. I wake up crying. Yesterday, I found myself walking through a parking lot outside of a grocery store praying my heart would stop. To be released from pain would’ve been welcomed. How can that be, when I have such a beautiful life and beautiful family and so much to be grateful for? It sits in the middle of my throat threatening to throb and gurgle and rush out in a sob all day long. I can’t look at anyone, because I’m afraid they might make me cry.
Falling down the stairs “cracked me open,” sending me into a new paradigm. In many ways, I have been given the greatest gift in the world. But I’ve never been so sad in all my life.
It never goes away. I’m still sad. This is just something I’m going to have to live with, like a little friend who just shows up and follows me around sometimes, keeping my company in my self-induced loneliness. I’ve made peace with my depression.
Awakening is not always glorious. Sometimes, the depression is crushing, and the Death Wish is always calling to me.
If you wrestle with the darkness, this is your painting.